If you've been reading this blog at all, you have probably figured out by now that I am a humorless femi-Nazi who spends a good deal of time on the internet with other femi-Nazi commenters on Jezebel (hi Jezebel!) Obviously all of this should be foot-noted with "/sarc," but I really feel like I need to start this post off with an appropriate amount of self-awareness and self-deprecation because I'm about to dismantle a song called "Sexy Bitch" by David Guetta featuring Akon. Click on the play button below and give the song a whirl.
A lot of the song is so auto-tuned that I am afraid you will miss the key details of the lyrics, so I have pasted them below:
Damn, you's a sexy bitch
Yes, I can see her
'Cause every girl in here wanna be her
Oh, she's a diva
I feel the same and I wanna meet her
They say she low down
It's just a rumor and I don't believe 'em
They say she needs to slow down
The baddest thing around town
She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before
Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood ho
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful
The way that booty movin', I can't take no more
Have to stop what I'm doin' so I can pull up close
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful
(Damn, girl)
Damn, you's a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch
Damn, you's a sexy bitch (x2)
Damn, girl
Yes, I can see her
'Cause every girl in here wanna be her
Oh, she's a diva
I feel the same and I wanna meet her
They say she low down
It's just a rumor and I don't believe 'em
They say she needs to slow down
The baddest thing around town
She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before
Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood ho
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful
The way that booty movin', I can't take no more
Have to stop what I'm doin' so I can pull up close
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful
(Damn, girl)
Damn, you's a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch
Damn, you's a sexy bitch (x2)
Damn, girl
This chorus is so priceless. The first time I heard the line "I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful" I did a spit-take that looked something like this:
Like whoa. I mean, really dude? You can't find a single word to describe a girl you really like that isn't disrespectful? Here, let me help you out with a list:
Good, respectful words to use to describe a girl you really like
Beautiful
Pretty
Intelligent
Smart
Sensual
Funny
Amazing
Light of my Life
Genuine
Gorgeous
Dreamy
Alluring
Attractive
Magnificent
Marvelous
Sublime
Fit
Wonderful
Nice
Awesome
Good
Great
Lovely
Fabulous
Fantastic
Brilliant
Astute
Sharp
Bright
Sexy (arguable)
Hot (arguable)
...etc. Just type "Beautiful" or "Intelligent" or any one of those words into a thesaurus and you'll find yourself with so many respectful ways to describe a girl you'll probably need a snack before you go through them all.
However, I think I should point out that there are, indeed, words you can use that are disrespectful. And, in fact, you use them in your song.
Bad, disrespectful words you probably shouldn't use when describing a girl you really like:
Bitch
Diva
Booty Movin'
Nothing you can compare to your neighborhood ho
Some words I would also recommend not using (and am afraid you are about to because of this song you just wrote) in any description in any way of any woman in your life, ever, if you want to be respectful:
Cunt
Slut
Prostitute
Whore (in fact, any slang or proper word for a woman who sleeps around or gets paid to go to bed with someone)
Twat
...etc
All right, I think this speaks for itself. I'll leave out explicitly analyzing the line "nothing you can compare to your neighborhood ho" and leave you now. I hope you, dear reader, see that there are many many ways in which to describe a woman respectfully.
Holla Kelly! It definitely needed to be said! Despite the fact that this song is fucking ridiculous (you said it all), I can't help my booty-movin' ways. Guetta spins some sick beats, he's french and probably doesn't have any idea what Akon is saying the whole time. Haha, just kidding. I totally agree with you.
ReplyDeleteHAH that's fair. I wasn't criticizing the melody of the song itself--it's pretty catchy. But good Ol' Akon is too busy making a damn fool of himself with those lyrics.
ReplyDeletefirstly, i cannot believe you found a remix of the spit take. totally beautiful. i actually found it much funnier when sliced out of all the rest of the awkwardness.
ReplyDeletesecondly, i tried really hard to describe why the line "nothing you can compare..." kills me so much but it all sounded so goofy when i analyzed it that i had to just give up.
OH MY GOD kelly i'm so glad you mentioned this song. that line "i'm tryna find a way to describe this girl without being disrespectful" is so patently ridiculous that i hated it passionately at first and then started to sort of love it because the more you hear it the more ridiculous it is. like, "really? REALLY? this is so not a real song" and then the more i listened to it the more i imagined it was some sort of meta-commentary about disrespecting women in rap songs (like, "i'm AKON so due to the sexist rap star image our culture demands i uphold i'm gonna refer to you as a "ho." but at heart i'm a real nice guy. such a shame, our society") but i guess that's not all that much better/not really actually there at all. DAMMIT. dammit akon.
ReplyDeletewooo and now i've spent so much time thinking about that song. savannah's right, analyzing your thoughts toward pop lyrics leads very quickly to total absurdity
Nika--I'm very intrigued by the meta-idea that Akon knew he was being nuts but he was commenting on society at large. I sincerely doubt that what you described is the case, but I love the idea.
ReplyDeleteAlso--yay to all these comments!