I decided that it was high time for the flip side of the ANTM coin. Instead of the Top 20 Photos in the History of America's Next Top Model, we instead have the worst photos. Again, I judged these photographs on the quality of the modeling to the untrained eye, the styling, and the overall artistic composition. Mainly I will let these photos stand for themselves more than I did with the good photographs because when we're dealing with ANTM, man, do the bad photos speak for themselves or what?
And boy do we have some doozies! I think it's possible that some cycles don't even have representatives in this list--aren't they lucky? I will say that we got 3--count 'em, THREE--winners of cycles in this list.
20. Fo, cycle 12
First off, what the FUUUUUUUUUUCK is going on with the set of this photo shoot? I remember feeling very strange when I watched this particular episode. Since it was in Brazil I guess they figured that a bikini shoot was appropriate and they wanted to show the "characters" of Brazil but the level of camp in this...is.not.good. I don't even have much to say about it because of its utter mediocrity, but my one criticism is that Fo made herself look much shorter by using this angle and what is up with her random dangling left arm? When you look at a photograph of a model you should never feel like she had to make an active decision to pose that way. It should look natural.
19. Laura, cycle 13
As I said, I love Laura like I love me some grits but this photo is odd, even though it isn't entirely her fault. They way they've photoshopped it makes her look like some sort of weird plastic doll. Nothing about the rope is flattering, also.
18. Kara, cycle 13
I didn't like Kara in cycle 13, I'll admit it. And sometimes the personality does get in the way of the photograph. But in this particular photo, nothing about it is cohesive. She's supposed to be emulating a photo from her childhood and instead it just looks like some chick with a bunch of office plants and terrible hair.
17. April, cycle 2
No head, no right leg, and also a crotch shot. In addition, the photoshopping and the outfit are too tacky for words. I don't care if this was the style back in the day when these steve madden ads used to run.
16. McKey, cycle 11
Everything about this photo screams insecurity, which is because McKey spent most of this photo shoot standing around like a wooden block. Jay eventually had to get her outside of her box by convincing her to do boxing moves. Therefore this shit is forced.
15. Whitney, cycle 10
I included this picture because the overall shoot itself was probably one of the worst in top model history purely because of the styling. Not one but FOUR girls had meat panties?!?! I've included the other shots below to show how truly horrific meat panties really are, but whitney's meat panties are by far the most...diaperish. And everything about this photo shoot screams "statement" without saying anything.
14. Anchal, cycle 7
I remember Tyra wondering if this photo shoot was a bad idea because practically every contestant bombed it, and man I gotta say: she was right. Stick some girls in a crazy vent that forces them into the air and expect them to take a good picture? Poor insecure Anchal...her face looks awkward and strained, her boobs are forced flat by the wind, and that photoshopped universe behind her is the cheesiest thing since pepper jack.
13. Nicole, cycle 2
Don't remember Nicole but this is some slutty Maxim bikini shit and I hate it. It's Klassy with a Kapital K.
12. Tessa, cycle 1
Ditto what I said for Nicole in picture 13, but this one has the added bonus of an extremely strange pose. Poor Tessa, we hardly knew ye.
11. Ann, cycle 3
Ann, even if she was gorgeous, was a particularly inept model. When given hideous styling and told to jump around a trampoline, her first response was to go flying through the air like the atom bomb that represents the quality of this photo.
10. Jaslene, cycle 8
I've included this picture (and another one below) to illustrate one of my biggest pet peeves in ANTM modeling: the chick with the perpetually raised eyebrow. Jaslene had four photographs in which to express four different parts of her personality and in every one of them one of her eyebrows is raised and she looks exactly the same. And modelesque doesn't describe someone's personality as much as it describes your outsides, raised eyebrow and all. FAIL.
9. Dominique, cycle 10
Speaking of drag queens (see Jaslene's picture above) Dominique looks like one in this picture. I'm not saying that to hate, but it was one of her biggest failures as a female model.
8. Tahlia, cycle 11
I have a double header of Tahlia pictures here although I would have liked to include every one of her photos. She was, is, and always will be my least favorite ANTM contestant of all time, mainly because of her perpetually raised eyebrow (THE GRAVEST OFFENSE) and her utterly shitty personality. Burns over 2/3 of her body or no, she was just Tyra's pet cause of the season and didn't know modeling from a piece of trash on the ground (and believe me, the way I just phrased that is considerably less vitriolic than what I previously thought to write).
So this picture sucks because she was supposed to represent the color purple and all she did was raise her eyebrow.
7. Tahlia, cycle 11
And this picture sucks because she's inept. The "bad" teenagers are ridiculous. Tyra wanted this photo shoot to be about how little girls grow up too fast, so she had the models acting out innocent girls while bad teenagers stood around in the background, but by god, what the hell does that have to do with fashion?
6. Natasha, cycle 8
So all of the following pictures have something MAJORLY wrong with them if they manage to be worse than Tahlia's BS. In this photo, Natasha's foreignness is somehow visually clear because she really doesn't know what the hell a teacher's pet is supposed to be doing. The lighting is wonky, the styling is trashy, and she's just sitting there lamely.
5. Megan, cycle 7
This girl could have been Helen of Troy and blonde hair Princess Leia buns on top of her head would still have made her look terrible.
4. Xiomara, cycle 2
Underwater shoots are always hard and as a rule I don't like the kinds of photographs they produce. So in Xiomara's defense, it's not her, it's me. That being said, she didn't even get her eyes open and her mouth makes it look like she's about to poop.
3. Megg, cycle 7
Megg had a huge disadvantage because of all the cool circus themes she could have gotten, she had to be the bearded lady and only got to work with a couple bales of hay on set. However, she is literally just standing there playing with her hair. She actually looks like she's listening to critique from Jay instead of doing anything.
That all being said, she had one of my favorite post-elimination departures of all time on ANTM.
"Me and my friend, you know, we're going to make a band. It's gonna be like a rock and roll model band. Rock and roll man, life is awesome, I'm gonna go make some music"....or something along those lines
2. Lluvy, cycle 4
Dubbed the worst picture in the history of ANTM by Tyra during the 4th cycle, this picture hasn't stood the test of time as the worst of all time, although it is still sitting pretty at number 2. This poor girl's face just could not take that many big ass sequins and to top it off she's awkwardly leaning off with her hands in the air.
1. Kathy, cycle 6
Without a doubt, this is the worst photo in the history of the show. I was so certain of this fact that I put this picture and wrote this portion of the post before I was even done sorting the rest of the photos from the rest of the cycles. I was so certain of this fact that I was ready to put the photo in the worst list the minute I conceived of doing ANTM listicles. I was so certain of this fact that when I watched this first episode of cycle 6, I knew Kathy was out the minute I saw this photo and immediately thought "that is the worst picture in the history, present, and future of America's.Next.Top.Model." I mean, really? could her eyes be any more blank (or look bizarrely more mean?) Could the composition of the photograph itself be anymore dissonant? I think I'll stop here and let the truly terrible speak for itself because I don't want to blast any of these models for how they look or who they are. And to be honest--Kathy had potential, as she was from NC, and I always root for my hometown. But this picture, to put it crudely, simply did not cut the cheese.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
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Such a good list!
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