Before anything else, if you haven't seen these videos, you've got to watch them
(sorry these have disabled embedding which means I couldn't put them in the post, unfortunately)
1. Lady Gaga's acoustic version of Poker Face
2. Paparazzi
3. Bad Romance
Some of you might remember a post I had a while back about the Taylor Swift video for "You Belong with Me" (as opposed to its creepy stalker cousin, "You Belong to Me") in which I opined that pop music needed a shred of originality. Well, I take that sentiment back. There was a time in my life when I was the ultimate detractor of pop music. This phase was firmly rooted in my last two years of high school, when I wised up and started listening to indie rock like Interpol and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and all of the sudden, anybody who liked pop music explicitly was a philistine. Fuck no I didn't care if pop could include genres like hip hop or country or just plain ol' pop. It was lame. You are lame. Let me go to the Cat's Cradle and feel smug for a couple hours. Kthanxbai.
I guess this stance towards pop changed during college when I started caring about something else: parties. I think that's when I finally understood pop music--it's the shit you listen to when you wanna get crunk and then wiggle your body around, a delicious respite for the kids who went to my liberal arts college and all took everything so ironically and seriously. We liked pop music because it was unexpected for us to like pop music, so it was okay. I would literally salivate if that Kylie Minogue song "can't get you out of my head" ever came on during one of the many dance parties I attended. Pop music from all generations was fair game--I knew more people than I believed possible who were into the Shangri-Las or wanted to hear Motown music at our college's dance club.
So yeah, for a while now I have become a defender of pop music. This statement doesn't necessarily belie the fact that I like all pop, or that I think Nickelback is great (newsflash--they aren't--and I wouldn't call their music "pop" anyway). And I believe, sincerely, that past the superficial reasons that I started to come back around to pop music (the vague 90s nostalgia, the onset of partying and college life, a sincere desire to shake my tail feather), there are some greater forces at play that reveal a lot about our society. I mean, what is allowed in pop videos, what is popular, and what is controversial often says a lot about constructions of gender, conceptions of material wealth, and the collective daydreams of the American people.
All of this information is a set up for me to talk about Lady Gaga. I first began to care about her somewhere around April of this year, when I spent an hour forcing my boyfriend to watch "Pokerface" with me online. I couldn't believe what I had stumbled upon--the new pop wrecking force. I was coming around to Gaga kind of late in the game, but man, did I become one vocal supporter. I found that, even though she wasn't that palatable for a lot of people, I could generally bulldoze anybody who didn't care for her with my loud and avid declarations of her awesomeness without having to back up my claims even a little. Example "SHE'S SO COOL HAVEN'T YOU SEEN ONE OF HER VIDEOS THAN YOU CAN'T TALK IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MUSIC"....etc. Recently, however, I've entered a slow-brewing tete a tete with a friend about Lady Gaga's ultimate worth (and whether pop musicians are really worth a damn, but hey, one battle at a time folks).
If you've reached this point in the post I hope that you've watched those videos I linked above. I want to proclaim, above all else, that what Lady Gaga is doing as a musician is barely even worth mentioning. YES these songs are unoriginal. YES they are overproduced. and YES I agree that they don't exactly merit all of the hype (although Poker face is damn catchy). What makes Gaga great, however, is her role as a pop cultural phenomenon. And her worth, ultimately, lies in our society's conception of a pop star's body.
So to start off, watch this Beyonce video, Crazy in Love. Notice anything? Notice the fact that Jay Z is fully clothed the entire time, often with a cap that covers his entire face? Notice that Beyonce is barely wearing clothes at all for most of the video? Notice that she does all the heavy lifting in terms of dancing, looking hot, and being sexually available for the viewer?
At this point I posit that our pop stars are a) instantly recognizable b) hot as fuck and c) willing to offer their bodies to us for our consumption. Yes, South Park has it right in their episode about Britney Spears--once someone becomes famous, especially through pop music, they have sacrificed themselves for us on the altar of fame. In short, they are our possession. We can do whatever we want to them (and with them). We're upset with Chris Brown because, yes, he beat up Rihanna, but he also damaged something that was OURS when he hit her in the face. Now Rihanna has a new asterisk beside her name--she might still be America's Girl, but she's also Domestically Abused Women's Girl. That sort of asterisk is uncomfortable and we're pissed we have to deal with it. Hence all of the outrage and all of the bullshit that surrounded that one event which, pretty much, should have been kept private. I'm not saying it's not a good thing that Rihanna is willing to speak up for women's rights, but that shouldn't be a defining part of her image. Just as all women who are raped or suffered abuse have to live with that new reality the rest of our lives, Rihanna will be the Tina Turner-esque "abused famous woman."
All of this is to say that yes, we know exactly what bodies our pop stars possess, we have access to them photographically at all times and even the ends of their bodies are ours (michael jackson's death anyone?). What makes Gaga great, however, is that she has both willfully entered the Fame Monster (as she would call it) but also managed to avoid becoming Our Possession through her constant manipulation of her image. Don't believe me? Check out these pictures. (Each word is a different link).
Or better yet, rewatch Bad Romance. Now, can you tell me WHAT THE FUCK she looks like? If she took off all of her pop start trappings, would you recognize her on the street?
The answer is no.
The best anecdotal I have of this phenomenon is when I was watching video phone (embedded below) with my roommate and she said "I have no idea what this girl looks like."
Gaga has somehow managed to create a fame for herself that isn't inextricably combined with her identity outside of the fame monster (I'm sorry, Taylor Swift!) which shows an extremely high level of intelligence and an incredible understanding of the Pop Music Fame Making Machine. It's totally awesome. She's rolled right into the belly of the beast, winked at us, and asked "Do you see what I'm doing here?" She describes herself as a performance artist because yes, that's what she is, she's performing being famous. Her sexual use of her body in her videos is supposed to be aggressive; it's up in your face and it makes you uncomfortable. Her body isn't there for you to consume sexually. It's there so you think about the fact that all pop stars have to have certain bodies and have to look certain ways. She looks different around every corner because she's calling attention to our constant consumption. She offers up a new version of herself every day because we'll eat it up. We should feel gross when we deal with all the versions of herself that she presents to us because we're gluttons for it.
And above all else, her strongest allusion to the idea that we, the viewer, are there to consume the (female) pop musician's body is in her video, Paparazzi. She performs in a neck brace and she performs with crutches--she's still going although we have chewed her up and spit her out and broken her down and possessed every part of her.
I am not speaking about Gaga's future as a famous person. I guess only time will tell if I'm technically right, if this totally awesome meta-fame is actually regular fame and if Gaga is just the proverbial moose we're chasing around the lake until it drowns. But as of right now, she's doing the damned thing so well that people can't tell the difference, and to them I say: I'm sorry you're missing out on enjoying one of the biggest pop music scams of all time.
And if nothing else, at least her presence in the world made Beyonce look all crazy whacked out in this one video:
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
plant watering day
So every saturday in our apartment it's plant watering day. My roommate and I made this pact because in our previous apartment in college, we managed to kill all of our plants through the perseverance of sheer neglect. When we got here, we knew things would be different. We decided to take better care of our plants and our pets and so far it's going smashingly.
Somewhere along the way plant watering day became a phrase that we sang to this David Shrigley poem that is performed by John Shankie on David Shrigley's worried noodles album. It's called "A Song" and I've linked it below. (BTW if you don't know who david shrigley is, he is a god. Links to the worried noodles site and his website).
Today at work I decided to write the full parody to this song, about plant watering day. I give you the full parody below (it would help if you sang it with the tune of the song):
Plant watering day
Watering the plants
Break out the water
Do a little dance
Each plant is special
In its unique way
If you forget that
I'll punch you in the face
Plants are so great
Changing the air
We should always water them
It is only fair
When our plants die
Let's not have regrets
About how we care for them
We are in their debt
They give us flowers
and lots of growth
When we bought them from the shop
We took an oath
They reduce noise
and lower our stress
We still want our plants
to look their very best
So don't forget the day
Remember the plan
Plants needs their water
To increase their life span
DON'T FORGET TO WATER YOUR PLANTS
Somewhere along the way plant watering day became a phrase that we sang to this David Shrigley poem that is performed by John Shankie on David Shrigley's worried noodles album. It's called "A Song" and I've linked it below. (BTW if you don't know who david shrigley is, he is a god. Links to the worried noodles site and his website).
Today at work I decided to write the full parody to this song, about plant watering day. I give you the full parody below (it would help if you sang it with the tune of the song):
Plant watering day
Watering the plants
Break out the water
Do a little dance
Each plant is special
In its unique way
If you forget that
I'll punch you in the face
Plants are so great
Changing the air
We should always water them
It is only fair
When our plants die
Let's not have regrets
About how we care for them
We are in their debt
They give us flowers
and lots of growth
When we bought them from the shop
We took an oath
They reduce noise
and lower our stress
We still want our plants
to look their very best
So don't forget the day
Remember the plan
Plants needs their water
To increase their life span
DON'T FORGET TO WATER YOUR PLANTS
Friday, November 20, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Top 20 Worst Photos in the History of America's Next Top Model
I decided that it was high time for the flip side of the ANTM coin. Instead of the Top 20 Photos in the History of America's Next Top Model, we instead have the worst photos. Again, I judged these photographs on the quality of the modeling to the untrained eye, the styling, and the overall artistic composition. Mainly I will let these photos stand for themselves more than I did with the good photographs because when we're dealing with ANTM, man, do the bad photos speak for themselves or what?
And boy do we have some doozies! I think it's possible that some cycles don't even have representatives in this list--aren't they lucky? I will say that we got 3--count 'em, THREE--winners of cycles in this list.
20. Fo, cycle 12
First off, what the FUUUUUUUUUUCK is going on with the set of this photo shoot? I remember feeling very strange when I watched this particular episode. Since it was in Brazil I guess they figured that a bikini shoot was appropriate and they wanted to show the "characters" of Brazil but the level of camp in this...is.not.good. I don't even have much to say about it because of its utter mediocrity, but my one criticism is that Fo made herself look much shorter by using this angle and what is up with her random dangling left arm? When you look at a photograph of a model you should never feel like she had to make an active decision to pose that way. It should look natural.
19. Laura, cycle 13
As I said, I love Laura like I love me some grits but this photo is odd, even though it isn't entirely her fault. They way they've photoshopped it makes her look like some sort of weird plastic doll. Nothing about the rope is flattering, also.
18. Kara, cycle 13
I didn't like Kara in cycle 13, I'll admit it. And sometimes the personality does get in the way of the photograph. But in this particular photo, nothing about it is cohesive. She's supposed to be emulating a photo from her childhood and instead it just looks like some chick with a bunch of office plants and terrible hair.
17. April, cycle 2
No head, no right leg, and also a crotch shot. In addition, the photoshopping and the outfit are too tacky for words. I don't care if this was the style back in the day when these steve madden ads used to run.
16. McKey, cycle 11
Everything about this photo screams insecurity, which is because McKey spent most of this photo shoot standing around like a wooden block. Jay eventually had to get her outside of her box by convincing her to do boxing moves. Therefore this shit is forced.
15. Whitney, cycle 10
I included this picture because the overall shoot itself was probably one of the worst in top model history purely because of the styling. Not one but FOUR girls had meat panties?!?! I've included the other shots below to show how truly horrific meat panties really are, but whitney's meat panties are by far the most...diaperish. And everything about this photo shoot screams "statement" without saying anything.
14. Anchal, cycle 7
I remember Tyra wondering if this photo shoot was a bad idea because practically every contestant bombed it, and man I gotta say: she was right. Stick some girls in a crazy vent that forces them into the air and expect them to take a good picture? Poor insecure Anchal...her face looks awkward and strained, her boobs are forced flat by the wind, and that photoshopped universe behind her is the cheesiest thing since pepper jack.
13. Nicole, cycle 2
Don't remember Nicole but this is some slutty Maxim bikini shit and I hate it. It's Klassy with a Kapital K.
12. Tessa, cycle 1
Ditto what I said for Nicole in picture 13, but this one has the added bonus of an extremely strange pose. Poor Tessa, we hardly knew ye.
11. Ann, cycle 3
Ann, even if she was gorgeous, was a particularly inept model. When given hideous styling and told to jump around a trampoline, her first response was to go flying through the air like the atom bomb that represents the quality of this photo.
10. Jaslene, cycle 8
I've included this picture (and another one below) to illustrate one of my biggest pet peeves in ANTM modeling: the chick with the perpetually raised eyebrow. Jaslene had four photographs in which to express four different parts of her personality and in every one of them one of her eyebrows is raised and she looks exactly the same. And modelesque doesn't describe someone's personality as much as it describes your outsides, raised eyebrow and all. FAIL.
9. Dominique, cycle 10
Speaking of drag queens (see Jaslene's picture above) Dominique looks like one in this picture. I'm not saying that to hate, but it was one of her biggest failures as a female model.
8. Tahlia, cycle 11
I have a double header of Tahlia pictures here although I would have liked to include every one of her photos. She was, is, and always will be my least favorite ANTM contestant of all time, mainly because of her perpetually raised eyebrow (THE GRAVEST OFFENSE) and her utterly shitty personality. Burns over 2/3 of her body or no, she was just Tyra's pet cause of the season and didn't know modeling from a piece of trash on the ground (and believe me, the way I just phrased that is considerably less vitriolic than what I previously thought to write).
So this picture sucks because she was supposed to represent the color purple and all she did was raise her eyebrow.
7. Tahlia, cycle 11
And this picture sucks because she's inept. The "bad" teenagers are ridiculous. Tyra wanted this photo shoot to be about how little girls grow up too fast, so she had the models acting out innocent girls while bad teenagers stood around in the background, but by god, what the hell does that have to do with fashion?
6. Natasha, cycle 8
So all of the following pictures have something MAJORLY wrong with them if they manage to be worse than Tahlia's BS. In this photo, Natasha's foreignness is somehow visually clear because she really doesn't know what the hell a teacher's pet is supposed to be doing. The lighting is wonky, the styling is trashy, and she's just sitting there lamely.
5. Megan, cycle 7
This girl could have been Helen of Troy and blonde hair Princess Leia buns on top of her head would still have made her look terrible.
4. Xiomara, cycle 2
Underwater shoots are always hard and as a rule I don't like the kinds of photographs they produce. So in Xiomara's defense, it's not her, it's me. That being said, she didn't even get her eyes open and her mouth makes it look like she's about to poop.
3. Megg, cycle 7
Megg had a huge disadvantage because of all the cool circus themes she could have gotten, she had to be the bearded lady and only got to work with a couple bales of hay on set. However, she is literally just standing there playing with her hair. She actually looks like she's listening to critique from Jay instead of doing anything.
That all being said, she had one of my favorite post-elimination departures of all time on ANTM.
"Me and my friend, you know, we're going to make a band. It's gonna be like a rock and roll model band. Rock and roll man, life is awesome, I'm gonna go make some music"....or something along those lines
2. Lluvy, cycle 4
Dubbed the worst picture in the history of ANTM by Tyra during the 4th cycle, this picture hasn't stood the test of time as the worst of all time, although it is still sitting pretty at number 2. This poor girl's face just could not take that many big ass sequins and to top it off she's awkwardly leaning off with her hands in the air.
1. Kathy, cycle 6
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Without a doubt, this is the worst photo in the history of the show. I was so certain of this fact that I put this picture and wrote this portion of the post before I was even done sorting the rest of the photos from the rest of the cycles. I was so certain of this fact that I was ready to put the photo in the worst list the minute I conceived of doing ANTM listicles. I was so certain of this fact that when I watched this first episode of cycle 6, I knew Kathy was out the minute I saw this photo and immediately thought "that is the worst picture in the history, present, and future of America's.Next.Top.Model." I mean, really? could her eyes be any more blank (or look bizarrely more mean?) Could the composition of the photograph itself be anymore dissonant? I think I'll stop here and let the truly terrible speak for itself because I don't want to blast any of these models for how they look or who they are. And to be honest--Kathy had potential, as she was from NC, and I always root for my hometown. But this picture, to put it crudely, simply did not cut the cheese.
And boy do we have some doozies! I think it's possible that some cycles don't even have representatives in this list--aren't they lucky? I will say that we got 3--count 'em, THREE--winners of cycles in this list.
20. Fo, cycle 12
First off, what the FUUUUUUUUUUCK is going on with the set of this photo shoot? I remember feeling very strange when I watched this particular episode. Since it was in Brazil I guess they figured that a bikini shoot was appropriate and they wanted to show the "characters" of Brazil but the level of camp in this...is.not.good. I don't even have much to say about it because of its utter mediocrity, but my one criticism is that Fo made herself look much shorter by using this angle and what is up with her random dangling left arm? When you look at a photograph of a model you should never feel like she had to make an active decision to pose that way. It should look natural.
19. Laura, cycle 13
As I said, I love Laura like I love me some grits but this photo is odd, even though it isn't entirely her fault. They way they've photoshopped it makes her look like some sort of weird plastic doll. Nothing about the rope is flattering, also.
18. Kara, cycle 13
I didn't like Kara in cycle 13, I'll admit it. And sometimes the personality does get in the way of the photograph. But in this particular photo, nothing about it is cohesive. She's supposed to be emulating a photo from her childhood and instead it just looks like some chick with a bunch of office plants and terrible hair.
17. April, cycle 2
No head, no right leg, and also a crotch shot. In addition, the photoshopping and the outfit are too tacky for words. I don't care if this was the style back in the day when these steve madden ads used to run.
16. McKey, cycle 11
Everything about this photo screams insecurity, which is because McKey spent most of this photo shoot standing around like a wooden block. Jay eventually had to get her outside of her box by convincing her to do boxing moves. Therefore this shit is forced.
15. Whitney, cycle 10
I included this picture because the overall shoot itself was probably one of the worst in top model history purely because of the styling. Not one but FOUR girls had meat panties?!?! I've included the other shots below to show how truly horrific meat panties really are, but whitney's meat panties are by far the most...diaperish. And everything about this photo shoot screams "statement" without saying anything.
14. Anchal, cycle 7
I remember Tyra wondering if this photo shoot was a bad idea because practically every contestant bombed it, and man I gotta say: she was right. Stick some girls in a crazy vent that forces them into the air and expect them to take a good picture? Poor insecure Anchal...her face looks awkward and strained, her boobs are forced flat by the wind, and that photoshopped universe behind her is the cheesiest thing since pepper jack.
13. Nicole, cycle 2
Don't remember Nicole but this is some slutty Maxim bikini shit and I hate it. It's Klassy with a Kapital K.
12. Tessa, cycle 1
Ditto what I said for Nicole in picture 13, but this one has the added bonus of an extremely strange pose. Poor Tessa, we hardly knew ye.
11. Ann, cycle 3
Ann, even if she was gorgeous, was a particularly inept model. When given hideous styling and told to jump around a trampoline, her first response was to go flying through the air like the atom bomb that represents the quality of this photo.
10. Jaslene, cycle 8
I've included this picture (and another one below) to illustrate one of my biggest pet peeves in ANTM modeling: the chick with the perpetually raised eyebrow. Jaslene had four photographs in which to express four different parts of her personality and in every one of them one of her eyebrows is raised and she looks exactly the same. And modelesque doesn't describe someone's personality as much as it describes your outsides, raised eyebrow and all. FAIL.
9. Dominique, cycle 10
Speaking of drag queens (see Jaslene's picture above) Dominique looks like one in this picture. I'm not saying that to hate, but it was one of her biggest failures as a female model.
8. Tahlia, cycle 11
I have a double header of Tahlia pictures here although I would have liked to include every one of her photos. She was, is, and always will be my least favorite ANTM contestant of all time, mainly because of her perpetually raised eyebrow (THE GRAVEST OFFENSE) and her utterly shitty personality. Burns over 2/3 of her body or no, she was just Tyra's pet cause of the season and didn't know modeling from a piece of trash on the ground (and believe me, the way I just phrased that is considerably less vitriolic than what I previously thought to write).
So this picture sucks because she was supposed to represent the color purple and all she did was raise her eyebrow.
7. Tahlia, cycle 11
And this picture sucks because she's inept. The "bad" teenagers are ridiculous. Tyra wanted this photo shoot to be about how little girls grow up too fast, so she had the models acting out innocent girls while bad teenagers stood around in the background, but by god, what the hell does that have to do with fashion?
6. Natasha, cycle 8
So all of the following pictures have something MAJORLY wrong with them if they manage to be worse than Tahlia's BS. In this photo, Natasha's foreignness is somehow visually clear because she really doesn't know what the hell a teacher's pet is supposed to be doing. The lighting is wonky, the styling is trashy, and she's just sitting there lamely.
5. Megan, cycle 7
This girl could have been Helen of Troy and blonde hair Princess Leia buns on top of her head would still have made her look terrible.
4. Xiomara, cycle 2
Underwater shoots are always hard and as a rule I don't like the kinds of photographs they produce. So in Xiomara's defense, it's not her, it's me. That being said, she didn't even get her eyes open and her mouth makes it look like she's about to poop.
3. Megg, cycle 7
Megg had a huge disadvantage because of all the cool circus themes she could have gotten, she had to be the bearded lady and only got to work with a couple bales of hay on set. However, she is literally just standing there playing with her hair. She actually looks like she's listening to critique from Jay instead of doing anything.
That all being said, she had one of my favorite post-elimination departures of all time on ANTM.
"Me and my friend, you know, we're going to make a band. It's gonna be like a rock and roll model band. Rock and roll man, life is awesome, I'm gonna go make some music"....or something along those lines
2. Lluvy, cycle 4
Dubbed the worst picture in the history of ANTM by Tyra during the 4th cycle, this picture hasn't stood the test of time as the worst of all time, although it is still sitting pretty at number 2. This poor girl's face just could not take that many big ass sequins and to top it off she's awkwardly leaning off with her hands in the air.
1. Kathy, cycle 6
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Without a doubt, this is the worst photo in the history of the show. I was so certain of this fact that I put this picture and wrote this portion of the post before I was even done sorting the rest of the photos from the rest of the cycles. I was so certain of this fact that I was ready to put the photo in the worst list the minute I conceived of doing ANTM listicles. I was so certain of this fact that when I watched this first episode of cycle 6, I knew Kathy was out the minute I saw this photo and immediately thought "that is the worst picture in the history, present, and future of America's.Next.Top.Model." I mean, really? could her eyes be any more blank (or look bizarrely more mean?) Could the composition of the photograph itself be anymore dissonant? I think I'll stop here and let the truly terrible speak for itself because I don't want to blast any of these models for how they look or who they are. And to be honest--Kathy had potential, as she was from NC, and I always root for my hometown. But this picture, to put it crudely, simply did not cut the cheese.
Moving on and Moving Out: observations
While I was getting off the train today I walked behind two noteworthy people that I felt I had to share with someone. My roommate is at work (for once! uh guh guh guh, please don't take this personally dear roommate oh god what have I done will the home environment be the same PLEASE SOMEONE THINK OF THE CAT). So I turn to you, my readers. Because that's what everybody wants out of a blog they read. For their blogger to needless tell them details about their day. Hey, if you're single and petting a cat right now: I'm here for you. I try to do what I can for the little people.
To continue on my train of snarkathon 2009, I decided to dub this a moving and moving out post because I recently switched the formatting on the way tags are displayed (didja notice?) and every time I tag something with consistency, it makes the word BIGGER. Oh my god this is meta, what I'm writing about right now, which is me writing about the blog that I am writing, did you see what I did there?
(btw honest to god this is normally what I'm like when I get home from work because I have to be mostly silent all day).
So, some shit that I experienced today (oh hell, shit I experienced recently):
1) Three Douchey McDouchersons in the corporate cafeteria (Yes I work for a big ass building downtown for a big ass corporation, and NO please do NOT post the name of my Corp in the comments if you know what it is...oh yeah I quit that other job I had. Kthxbai.) were talking about some test that they had to take. This may have been the SAT writing portion for all I know. Then this one guy, he gets all excited about what he wrote in his essay. "OH MY GOD," he tells his friends, "I WROTE ABOUT VONNEGUT ON THE ESSAY." OMG sez his friends. "YES I KNOW! I FELT SO AWESOME, DROPPING ALL THAT KNOWLEDGE. SO WHEN I WAS WRITING, IT WAS LIKE ABOUT THAT BOOK THAT HAD THE BOYS ON THE ISLAND AND ONE WAS A BAD BOY AND ONE WAS A GOOD BOY AND EVERYBODY LIKED THE BAD BOY." Beat...one of his friends meekly says "isn't that lord of the flies?" Douche goes on "AND THE BEST PART IS THAT UNDERPAID GRAD STUDENTS ARE GRADING THIS SHIT SO I'M SURE THEY JUST ATE IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111"
William Golding, dude, and, uh, your friend was RIGHT. Who the hell thinks lord of the flies is vonnegut anyway? Uh guh guh guh, god, corporate financial types, they are the shit that the flies from lord of the flies are buzzing around. Or, as is the case in lord of the flies, dead pig heads on stick. Zing!
2) Today in the corporate cafeteria (never get tired of sayin' that), I heard this table of women talking about how this 60 year old woman had married someone's 95 year old rich relative and OH MY GAWD was she doing it for the money? Who was this woman? What are her motives? Surely she can't be sexually satisfied by this man! (Well perhaps if she's gone through menopause and lost all of her libido then she don't give a shit! Bring on the $$!)
This whole conversation led to a text conversation where I told my roommate that where I work is "so rich" and she said "you oscillate back and forth so much on your feelings for this place" and then I said "yeah i'm either foaming at the mouth about how much I hate it or silently weeping in the corner at the thought of leaving. It's the money." To which you ask: What's the money? The cause of your hate or your weeping? And to that I say: Yes.
3) The two people worth mentioning when I got off my train stop today:
a) A tall, very fine black man with shaved sides of his head and a stylish swept about faux hawk wearing the sweetest jacket and walkin' with a swagger.
b) A tall, not quite as fine, white man with red hair and a red beard (sometimes they are different, ok) who walked like he had knock-knees and pigeon toes. That is to say, his ankles were rolled inwards when he walked. It looked very strange.
4) I caught the 84 bus today to the red line stop which was amazing. I've discovered that if I'm running a couple of minutes late, I can catch the light to cross the street and then catch the bus in 2 minutes, which puts me at the train stop at about the normal time if I had left on time and walked the distance. Let me tell you guys, this is a miracle on ridge street. I have the morning commute down to a semi-exact science and yet the mother-effing evening commute is still a mystery to me. My stop in the morning is washington and wells but if I use that in the evening, then I have to ride around the entire loop and it adds about 15 minutes to my trip. Since I generally can't stand the commute home anyway, this is a lot. I try to assuage myself by playing mario but really I need to figure it out.
Additionally, I love that when you have your morning commute down to a science you can actually start noticing who's doing that shit with you on the regular. The only people I see pretty much every day (so far) are the bald-headed man and his wife walking down the street when I leave the apartment. I miss them on the days I catch the bus.
5) This temp job is about to leave me and I it at the end of this month, but because of Thanksgiving that means I'm probably only working 4 or 5 more days at best. I'm going to miss the stability of having a job but no more brown line for me for a while, yes thanks! Ah, temp jobs. I love thee more than I loved that permanent job I had for two days (NO JUDGING)
To continue on my train of snarkathon 2009, I decided to dub this a moving and moving out post because I recently switched the formatting on the way tags are displayed (didja notice?) and every time I tag something with consistency, it makes the word BIGGER. Oh my god this is meta, what I'm writing about right now, which is me writing about the blog that I am writing, did you see what I did there?
(btw honest to god this is normally what I'm like when I get home from work because I have to be mostly silent all day).
So, some shit that I experienced today (oh hell, shit I experienced recently):
1) Three Douchey McDouchersons in the corporate cafeteria (Yes I work for a big ass building downtown for a big ass corporation, and NO please do NOT post the name of my Corp in the comments if you know what it is...oh yeah I quit that other job I had. Kthxbai.) were talking about some test that they had to take. This may have been the SAT writing portion for all I know. Then this one guy, he gets all excited about what he wrote in his essay. "OH MY GOD," he tells his friends, "I WROTE ABOUT VONNEGUT ON THE ESSAY." OMG sez his friends. "YES I KNOW! I FELT SO AWESOME, DROPPING ALL THAT KNOWLEDGE. SO WHEN I WAS WRITING, IT WAS LIKE ABOUT THAT BOOK THAT HAD THE BOYS ON THE ISLAND AND ONE WAS A BAD BOY AND ONE WAS A GOOD BOY AND EVERYBODY LIKED THE BAD BOY." Beat...one of his friends meekly says "isn't that lord of the flies?" Douche goes on "AND THE BEST PART IS THAT UNDERPAID GRAD STUDENTS ARE GRADING THIS SHIT SO I'M SURE THEY JUST ATE IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111"
William Golding, dude, and, uh, your friend was RIGHT. Who the hell thinks lord of the flies is vonnegut anyway? Uh guh guh guh, god, corporate financial types, they are the shit that the flies from lord of the flies are buzzing around. Or, as is the case in lord of the flies, dead pig heads on stick. Zing!
2) Today in the corporate cafeteria (never get tired of sayin' that), I heard this table of women talking about how this 60 year old woman had married someone's 95 year old rich relative and OH MY GAWD was she doing it for the money? Who was this woman? What are her motives? Surely she can't be sexually satisfied by this man! (Well perhaps if she's gone through menopause and lost all of her libido then she don't give a shit! Bring on the $$!)
This whole conversation led to a text conversation where I told my roommate that where I work is "so rich" and she said "you oscillate back and forth so much on your feelings for this place" and then I said "yeah i'm either foaming at the mouth about how much I hate it or silently weeping in the corner at the thought of leaving. It's the money." To which you ask: What's the money? The cause of your hate or your weeping? And to that I say: Yes.
3) The two people worth mentioning when I got off my train stop today:
a) A tall, very fine black man with shaved sides of his head and a stylish swept about faux hawk wearing the sweetest jacket and walkin' with a swagger.
b) A tall, not quite as fine, white man with red hair and a red beard (sometimes they are different, ok) who walked like he had knock-knees and pigeon toes. That is to say, his ankles were rolled inwards when he walked. It looked very strange.
4) I caught the 84 bus today to the red line stop which was amazing. I've discovered that if I'm running a couple of minutes late, I can catch the light to cross the street and then catch the bus in 2 minutes, which puts me at the train stop at about the normal time if I had left on time and walked the distance. Let me tell you guys, this is a miracle on ridge street. I have the morning commute down to a semi-exact science and yet the mother-effing evening commute is still a mystery to me. My stop in the morning is washington and wells but if I use that in the evening, then I have to ride around the entire loop and it adds about 15 minutes to my trip. Since I generally can't stand the commute home anyway, this is a lot. I try to assuage myself by playing mario but really I need to figure it out.
Additionally, I love that when you have your morning commute down to a science you can actually start noticing who's doing that shit with you on the regular. The only people I see pretty much every day (so far) are the bald-headed man and his wife walking down the street when I leave the apartment. I miss them on the days I catch the bus.
5) This temp job is about to leave me and I it at the end of this month, but because of Thanksgiving that means I'm probably only working 4 or 5 more days at best. I'm going to miss the stability of having a job but no more brown line for me for a while, yes thanks! Ah, temp jobs. I love thee more than I loved that permanent job I had for two days (NO JUDGING)
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Quiver Full
I may have mentioned in an earlier post that I have lots upon lots of time at work to cruise the internet, and I always want to bring my incredible findings back here to the faithful readers because you can't make this shit up.
The latest installment of my findings deal with the quiver fulls, an evangelical christian movement that takes this one passage from the bible very literally:
"Lo children are an heritage unto the Lord:
and the fruit of the womb is his reward.
As arrows are in the hands of a mighty man,
so are children of the youth.
Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them"
Psalm 127:3-5
Obviously the name of the movement is based on this scripture, but basically the gist of their ideology is that the participants of QF should not practice birth control and the entire family (wife included) should submit to the patriarchy of the husband. Now I normally find this stuff so ragingly offensive that I wouldn't be able to stomach it, but one of the QF movement's most outspoken protestor is a woman named Vyckie Garrison. She had an extremely troubled early life that she writes about in exhausting detail on her blog, No Longer Quivering. Her mother was essentially single her entire childhood and went from deadbeat step-dad to deadbeat step-dad, men who sexually abused Vyckie's older sister and physically abused her mom. Vyckie got married when she was 16 to a man who emotionally and physically abused her for 5 years before they split. Then she moved to Iowa and married a blind man with whom she raised her daughter from another man, and eventually gave birth to six of his children. These pregnancies were extremely physically taxing for her, as she has a rare bone disorder, and to top it off, they had a home business and were home schooling their children. Her husband constantly berated and verbally harassed their oldest daughter to the point that the daughter attempted suicide.
Vyckie has not fully written out when the turning point came for her to divorce her husband and get her kids out of that environment, but the important thing to note is that she did eventually leave. She now runs her blog with writings from other ex-QFs and very eloquently writes about her own negative experiences.
Reading her story is quite the experience for someone with my worldview. She tries to remember her thoughts, feelings, and politics from the times that she describes, so she often says things that come across as unintentionally hilarious. An example (and I'm paraphrasing) is "At the time Bill Clinton had just been elected president so we truly thought it was the end of times." She had friends who ascribed to the belief that they did not have to hold themselves accountable for their actions (i.e. being in debt or sending their kids to public schools, two courses of action--in their minds--that were equally as "risky") because they thought they were gonna be raptured out of here sooner rather than later.
One thing that struck me about her beliefs during that time in her life is how firmly rooted they were in fear. She and everyone around her practically kept their families on house arrest. They believed that public schools were secular and godless, and that if their children were exposed to the government's evil and sin that their kids would be corrupted. They never once questioned why, if they were so certain that their lifestyle was the right one, that their children would immediately fall into the dangers of secularism and liberalism. One would think that this extreme level of belief would equal some sort of confidence. However, according to their system of thought, the devil is everywhere and he will git ya at any time. Therefore they sought to be vigilant warriors for the lord.
I write all of this about Vyckie's life without the intent to criticize her; through her writings it is evident that she is an intelligent woman. The two greatest victories of her life were leaving a man who mentally and physically abused her as well as a movement that created a psychological strangehold on her and her children (no small feats). I firmly suggest looking at her writing, although it requires a great deal of time to sift through. I hadn't given a great deal of thought to the intersection of patriarchy and religion in a long time. It was a definite wake up call to see how at least one segment of the American population thinks--there are apparently thousands of quiver fulls. (This fact scares me of course because that means they're producing obscene numbers of new Americans. All the better to consume the world with, my pretty! EEEE!!)
Since all of my reading on the internet fundamentally relates back to one subject--sexism--the quiver full movement definitely provided a new insight into the ways in which the oppression of women is perpetuated in our society. Sometimes in the academic world people seem to think that feminism is an obsolete discipline but these people couldn't be more wrong. Outside of the major global issues of inequality that I think all social movements need to address, we're still finding examples of extreme sexism in the darker corners of our society. Let's keep beating the bushes, America, and figure this shit out.
The Jezebel entry on the quiver full movement
The latest installment of my findings deal with the quiver fulls, an evangelical christian movement that takes this one passage from the bible very literally:
"Lo children are an heritage unto the Lord:
and the fruit of the womb is his reward.
As arrows are in the hands of a mighty man,
so are children of the youth.
Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them"
Psalm 127:3-5
Obviously the name of the movement is based on this scripture, but basically the gist of their ideology is that the participants of QF should not practice birth control and the entire family (wife included) should submit to the patriarchy of the husband. Now I normally find this stuff so ragingly offensive that I wouldn't be able to stomach it, but one of the QF movement's most outspoken protestor is a woman named Vyckie Garrison. She had an extremely troubled early life that she writes about in exhausting detail on her blog, No Longer Quivering. Her mother was essentially single her entire childhood and went from deadbeat step-dad to deadbeat step-dad, men who sexually abused Vyckie's older sister and physically abused her mom. Vyckie got married when she was 16 to a man who emotionally and physically abused her for 5 years before they split. Then she moved to Iowa and married a blind man with whom she raised her daughter from another man, and eventually gave birth to six of his children. These pregnancies were extremely physically taxing for her, as she has a rare bone disorder, and to top it off, they had a home business and were home schooling their children. Her husband constantly berated and verbally harassed their oldest daughter to the point that the daughter attempted suicide.
Vyckie has not fully written out when the turning point came for her to divorce her husband and get her kids out of that environment, but the important thing to note is that she did eventually leave. She now runs her blog with writings from other ex-QFs and very eloquently writes about her own negative experiences.
Reading her story is quite the experience for someone with my worldview. She tries to remember her thoughts, feelings, and politics from the times that she describes, so she often says things that come across as unintentionally hilarious. An example (and I'm paraphrasing) is "At the time Bill Clinton had just been elected president so we truly thought it was the end of times." She had friends who ascribed to the belief that they did not have to hold themselves accountable for their actions (i.e. being in debt or sending their kids to public schools, two courses of action--in their minds--that were equally as "risky") because they thought they were gonna be raptured out of here sooner rather than later.
One thing that struck me about her beliefs during that time in her life is how firmly rooted they were in fear. She and everyone around her practically kept their families on house arrest. They believed that public schools were secular and godless, and that if their children were exposed to the government's evil and sin that their kids would be corrupted. They never once questioned why, if they were so certain that their lifestyle was the right one, that their children would immediately fall into the dangers of secularism and liberalism. One would think that this extreme level of belief would equal some sort of confidence. However, according to their system of thought, the devil is everywhere and he will git ya at any time. Therefore they sought to be vigilant warriors for the lord.
I write all of this about Vyckie's life without the intent to criticize her; through her writings it is evident that she is an intelligent woman. The two greatest victories of her life were leaving a man who mentally and physically abused her as well as a movement that created a psychological strangehold on her and her children (no small feats). I firmly suggest looking at her writing, although it requires a great deal of time to sift through. I hadn't given a great deal of thought to the intersection of patriarchy and religion in a long time. It was a definite wake up call to see how at least one segment of the American population thinks--there are apparently thousands of quiver fulls. (This fact scares me of course because that means they're producing obscene numbers of new Americans. All the better to consume the world with, my pretty! EEEE!!)
Since all of my reading on the internet fundamentally relates back to one subject--sexism--the quiver full movement definitely provided a new insight into the ways in which the oppression of women is perpetuated in our society. Sometimes in the academic world people seem to think that feminism is an obsolete discipline but these people couldn't be more wrong. Outside of the major global issues of inequality that I think all social movements need to address, we're still finding examples of extreme sexism in the darker corners of our society. Let's keep beating the bushes, America, and figure this shit out.
The Jezebel entry on the quiver full movement
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
catch-all entry about art stuff
My new job consists of sitting behind a desk transferring phone calls all day (yeah, I get paid to do a robot's work) so I spend a lot of time cruising the internet. This cruising results in curious finds that make me want to post to my blog, but alas, the firewall at work is so intense that I can't log on to ESSNK.
I wanted to share with you some of my discoveries from my time in this great wide world of wonderous weberosity, so this is a catch-all entry: links and thoughts about How We Live Today.
1) Fashematics: http://fashematics.com
A fashion blog I discovered through NYT that puts together two or more images that almost always make an incredible reference point to the latest designs to walk the runway. Funny and fun to look at, although hardly substantial.
2) Modern Art Notes: Tyler Green's modern and contemporary art blog, also discovered via the NYT article on the New Museum's trustee collection show that is fast approaching. The first couple of entries on this blog deal with the issues of the New Museum's trustee, Dakis Joannou, displaying his private collection in a show curated for the museum by Jeff Koons. The whole things smacks of nepotism and art world elitism and is, frankly, a shame. When I first read the article I was sliding towards the apathetic opinion of "what's the big deal?" but after I read the materials on Modern Art Notes and read this extensive drawing/chart of the situation by William Powhida, I realized that I am extremely not OK with what's going on here. The New Museum should totally rock, but instead it gives us the same tired art-ejaculation bull-shit of people like Elizabeth Peyton and Jeff Koons who is FUCKING 57 and has a BILLIONAIRE PATRON in Joannou. And if I have to see one more crappy video installation where people throw paint on each other to electronic music and clearly were only friends of the friends of curator, than I will VOMIT ON THE PLACE ITSELF. And listen, I interned with the New Museum. I love the building. I love the promise it holds as an institution. And I love the fact that it was started by Marcia Tucker who wanted to find contemporary art at the source, before it became a commercial success (loosely paraphrased Powhida on that point). However, this museum is suffering from a serious case of malaise and laziness, using the same names over and over and pushing artists who are too overused. The New Museum should make its mission statement:
"Give me your tired sculptors, your poor painters,
Your huddled digital artists yearning to break free,
The wretched artists of your teeming lands,
Send these, the homeless artists, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my rainbow beside the stack of silver blocks"
...Ya know?
3) But all this art blog stuff eventually led me back to this one piece that I had learned about in my abstract studio art class in college: The Walter De Maria lightning field. Dia Beacon maintains it and it is located in New Mexico somewhere in the elevated parts of the state. You can stay the night there (that's pretty much the only way to experience it) for 250 bucks (That includes room and board for a night) . They recommend that you experience the field at dawn and dusk and try it at night because of the lightning, although it isn't a guarantee. Add this experience to my bucket list because DAMN I WANT TO GO TO THERE. Even if it is expensive.
I wanted to share with you some of my discoveries from my time in this great wide world of wonderous weberosity, so this is a catch-all entry: links and thoughts about How We Live Today.
1) Fashematics: http://fashematics.com
A fashion blog I discovered through NYT that puts together two or more images that almost always make an incredible reference point to the latest designs to walk the runway. Funny and fun to look at, although hardly substantial.
2) Modern Art Notes: Tyler Green's modern and contemporary art blog, also discovered via the NYT article on the New Museum's trustee collection show that is fast approaching. The first couple of entries on this blog deal with the issues of the New Museum's trustee, Dakis Joannou, displaying his private collection in a show curated for the museum by Jeff Koons. The whole things smacks of nepotism and art world elitism and is, frankly, a shame. When I first read the article I was sliding towards the apathetic opinion of "what's the big deal?" but after I read the materials on Modern Art Notes and read this extensive drawing/chart of the situation by William Powhida, I realized that I am extremely not OK with what's going on here. The New Museum should totally rock, but instead it gives us the same tired art-ejaculation bull-shit of people like Elizabeth Peyton and Jeff Koons who is FUCKING 57 and has a BILLIONAIRE PATRON in Joannou. And if I have to see one more crappy video installation where people throw paint on each other to electronic music and clearly were only friends of the friends of curator, than I will VOMIT ON THE PLACE ITSELF. And listen, I interned with the New Museum. I love the building. I love the promise it holds as an institution. And I love the fact that it was started by Marcia Tucker who wanted to find contemporary art at the source, before it became a commercial success (loosely paraphrased Powhida on that point). However, this museum is suffering from a serious case of malaise and laziness, using the same names over and over and pushing artists who are too overused. The New Museum should make its mission statement:
"Give me your tired sculptors, your poor painters,
Your huddled digital artists yearning to break free,
The wretched artists of your teeming lands,
Send these, the homeless artists, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my rainbow beside the stack of silver blocks"
...Ya know?
3) But all this art blog stuff eventually led me back to this one piece that I had learned about in my abstract studio art class in college: The Walter De Maria lightning field. Dia Beacon maintains it and it is located in New Mexico somewhere in the elevated parts of the state. You can stay the night there (that's pretty much the only way to experience it) for 250 bucks (That includes room and board for a night) . They recommend that you experience the field at dawn and dusk and try it at night because of the lightning, although it isn't a guarantee. Add this experience to my bucket list because DAMN I WANT TO GO TO THERE. Even if it is expensive.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Top 20 photographs in the History of America's Next Top Model
I discovered this website called all-antm.net that you can register for and gain access to every photo in.the.history.of.america's.next.top.model. I am overjoyed. I am overwhelmed with the endless possibilities (the tyra possibilities?) for various ANTM-related lists. My roommate has the patient of a saint because she endured me showing her photo after photo, cycle after cycle tonight, because, frankly, there are some darned lot of photographs to choose from.
I've decided to make a new feature here at S n K, which is mainly that I'm occasionally going to do an ANTM listicle. These will probably be created at random and at my leisure but I've decided to go for the Big Bang to start off this amazing new chapter in all of our lives: The Top 20 Photos in the History of America's Next Top Model.
I feel the need to set out a few guidelines for my judging before we get to the good stuff. Namely, I am not a photographer, nor do I work in fashion. These are purely the best photographs based on my taste and eye as an artist and avid consumer of fashion magazines. These photos might not be good modeling, and the girl photographed might suck as a person (god that is true of many girls who have been on that show). I chose photographs for their a) subjective beauty, b) interesting composition, c) styling, d) theme of the shoot, and e) memorable nature. I tried to include as many girls from as many cycles as I could, but I still had the final say--which is that if CariDee has two photos that are better than the best photo from Cycle 1, I'm going go with her 2 photos (btw this is true of my list but damn, the shit from cycle 1 looks amateurish to me. Oh, how the times have changed in Top Modeland).
One pattern that amazed me the most was how so many of my photos were not judged the best at panel. The photo that has been deemed the best photo in the history of top model (see cycle 11, lauren brie, balloon shoot) has not made the list. I never liked that photo and I never will. The composition is not dynamic and her shoulder looks F-ed. On the other hand, a couple of photos I have chosen either got a girl eliminated, or were taken of a girl that few people remember. Weee! I love going back into the obscure bowels of Top Model History. I can't wait until Australia's next top model has enough cycles for this sort of list to be fruitful.
So, in descending order, we begin with:
20. Kahlen, cycle 2
Kahlen was one of my favorite top model girls, although her photos weren't particularly inspiring to me, hence this one photograph being at the end of the list. Obviously, that is not exactly her fault as the styling or themes of the shoot often dictate how cool or interesting the photos are. But I love her natural look in this shot and the backlighting makes for a very warm and beautiful glow.
19. Marjorie, cycle 11
Marjorie also comes in as one of my favorite top model girls, though because of her utterly twitchy personality. This photo got her eliminated, but I've always loved it. The campy amsterdam background combined with her fashion-y awkwardness are in great contrast, and I can TOTES imagine this image being in Jane Magazine, if it hadn't gone bankrupt (R.I.P Jane! There went my dream job but for the grace of god).
18. Joanie, cycle 6
Obviously the theme of this shoot is strangely misogynistic (oh...so the girl is the dummy...operated by the man!!!...omg). However, Joanie really captured the dummy's stance and vacant look. This photo has a great level of theatricality.
17. Victoria, cycle 9
Cycle 9 was the pits. The girls in that cycle were absolutely horrendous, ending with the worst fart of a winner ever, Saleisha. The one thing I always loved about this cycle was the Ivy League Victoria, who liked to pick on Twiggy during panel. Oh, Victoria, Twiggy never "got" you, did she? Twiggy did say (and I agree with her) that there was a vulnerability to this photo that makes Victoria look like a brown-eyed deer, and that is why I was able to remember it even after Victoria got cut after three episodes. I wonder if she's like a brain surgeon now or some crazy shit.
16. Bre, cycle 5
I surprised myself with the inclusion of this photo because I barely remembered this photo shoot before I can began rifling through it. But Bre looks awesome here and all the rightward motion in this shot makes it really compelling.
15. CariDee, cycle 7
This shoot is when my love of Caridee was sealed. That elephant trunk looks so fucking hip its painful. It may be cliched, but circus-themed photo shoots are overdone for a reason. They always look FIERCE.
14. Elina, cycle 11
Including this particular photo actually makes me feel like I'm going to come across as a lesbian. This fact wouldn't bother me at all of course, but it does remind me of this one conversation I had with my brother when I was in middle school or early high school. I was downloading pretty photos of Nicole Kidman and Angelina Jolie onto the family computer because I loved them back then, and he remarked that a guy could never download photos of hot actors without his sexuality being seriously questioned. Now, I love appreciating beautiful women, but this remark always stuck with me. But Elina is gorgeous, and even though she had the personality of a wet noodle that turn into barbed wire on the way down your throat, she undeniably deserved the best photo win that she got the week of this photo shoot.
13. Lauren Brie, cycle 11
This photo, although not number 1, inspired me to make this list...I sought out all-antm.net because I saw this photo in passing online. I had forgotten how utterly amazing it was. I love that the focal point is off-center, yet Lauren looks so symmetrical. It is dynamite.
12. Erin, cycle 13
I had to come to terms with my hatred for Erin before putting this photo up, but this has got to be the only ANTM photo that truly proves Tyra's constant point that alien can be a good thing. She also looks like a contemporary take on a victorian portrait, like girl with a pearl earring. It's so fierce it hurts--god i love pretty things lookin' ugly. Also, why does Tyra never say fierce anymore?
11. Allison, cycle 12
I struggled with the idea of including anything from the dreaded cycle 12 (aka Cycle Tahlia) but this photo of Allison is just too much. Awwwww...fluffy little birdie! But...artsy!
10. Samantha, cycle 11
So cycle 11 is in a dead heat with cycle 7 for most represented cycle in this list...I'm not sure why. I will say that these two cycles both created a great desire for me to actually own photographs from ANTM--a very weird thought. That being said, this photo is so mod, and the splash in the foreground gives the picture very nice depth.
9. Laura, cycle 13
I love me some Laura like I love me some grits, and boy let me tell you: that is a lot. You will probably see her on future positive listicles. You should check out her blog if you want some warm fuzzies. The judge said she looked like a Renaissance woman in the picture. She looks so serene and so soft and so pink that she's like a high-quality marshmallow. Delicious.
8. Anya, cycle 10
They claimed this picture was an accident in judging (she's about to fall off the step), but it's still such a pretty moment it gets into the top ten through the sheer beauty of Anya alone.
7. Rae, cycle 13
Cycle 13 started off strong, and this photo is pretty much the reason why. The light is fantastic.
6. Eugena, cycle 7
Again, this was a photo I had forgotten about. It's compelling because it's so raw and Eugena is probably one of the more underrated ANTM girls. She was an absolute stunner, even if she was a little quiet, and the power of emotion behind this photo speaks to the fact that her exterior obviously concealed a great deal that she didn't allow to make its way onto national television. Suck it, Tyra! Even if she did make top 3!!
5. CariDee and Amanda, cycle 7
When my mom and I saw this photo on the TV we gasped. I'm not even sure what else there is to say about it--of course Amanda got kicked off in this episode, although for what I can't remember. I just love flowy shit and contrasting colors (see the next photo, obviously).
4. Yoanna and Shandi, cycle 2
This picture is amazing because of how sexually charged it is. I'll make no bones about it, it is some serious lesbian shit. The sensuous look on yoanna's face, the ecstasy of shandi's--they never let us see the full shot (maybe it was originally cropped like this) so we can all wonder....ooooh voyeurism.
3. Danielle, cycle 6
Danielle actually took this picture after a couple hours in the hospital after fainting during a challenge. She was barfing, dehydrated, and sick as a dog. And then she got on a top of an elephant and looked so serene and amazing, she made it to the top 3. I am impartial to this photo because of the elephant, of course, but this moment is so pure on both parts that I simply love it.
2. Brittany, cycle 8
My last two photos are violent and thematic because of Tyra's half-baked ideas about what it means to be in fashion (i.e. she blatantly rips off ideas from high-fashion as if that makes the show cutting edge in some way). There was recently a Jezebel post about death in fashion and whether it was appropriate (of course linking to this photo shoot, though not this particular picture). I was conflicted when I read about this--I honestly love seeing death used in fashion spreads, namely because I like to use them for my collages. Regardless, Brittany ended up getting cut because she threw a tantrum after missing the time cutoff for her go-sees, but not for this photo and not for this episode.
1. Michelle, cycle 7
The twins were honestly my favorite ANTM contestants of all time, and I still think they should have been the top 2 (sorry Caridee! Loved ya on Gossip Girl, girl!!!!). That being said, Michelle was clearly the more natural model of the two, even if she threw herself under the bus at the end to save her twin from elimination. She claimed she didn't even know if she wanted to model...and that she was a bisexual? Or maybe a lesbian? But definitely not straight. She was a total basketball dyke. It was awesome. But I digress. This shoot was based on stereotypes about models, and Michelle was supposed to represent bulimia. The action of this photo is really compelling and very gritty. It's haunting in a gruesome way. And that's why I think it was the best photo of all time.
Thoughts? Opinions? Would you like to contribute your own lists?
I've decided to make a new feature here at S n K, which is mainly that I'm occasionally going to do an ANTM listicle. These will probably be created at random and at my leisure but I've decided to go for the Big Bang to start off this amazing new chapter in all of our lives: The Top 20 Photos in the History of America's Next Top Model.
I feel the need to set out a few guidelines for my judging before we get to the good stuff. Namely, I am not a photographer, nor do I work in fashion. These are purely the best photographs based on my taste and eye as an artist and avid consumer of fashion magazines. These photos might not be good modeling, and the girl photographed might suck as a person (god that is true of many girls who have been on that show). I chose photographs for their a) subjective beauty, b) interesting composition, c) styling, d) theme of the shoot, and e) memorable nature. I tried to include as many girls from as many cycles as I could, but I still had the final say--which is that if CariDee has two photos that are better than the best photo from Cycle 1, I'm going go with her 2 photos (btw this is true of my list but damn, the shit from cycle 1 looks amateurish to me. Oh, how the times have changed in Top Modeland).
One pattern that amazed me the most was how so many of my photos were not judged the best at panel. The photo that has been deemed the best photo in the history of top model (see cycle 11, lauren brie, balloon shoot) has not made the list. I never liked that photo and I never will. The composition is not dynamic and her shoulder looks F-ed. On the other hand, a couple of photos I have chosen either got a girl eliminated, or were taken of a girl that few people remember. Weee! I love going back into the obscure bowels of Top Model History. I can't wait until Australia's next top model has enough cycles for this sort of list to be fruitful.
So, in descending order, we begin with:
20. Kahlen, cycle 2
Kahlen was one of my favorite top model girls, although her photos weren't particularly inspiring to me, hence this one photograph being at the end of the list. Obviously, that is not exactly her fault as the styling or themes of the shoot often dictate how cool or interesting the photos are. But I love her natural look in this shot and the backlighting makes for a very warm and beautiful glow.
19. Marjorie, cycle 11
Marjorie also comes in as one of my favorite top model girls, though because of her utterly twitchy personality. This photo got her eliminated, but I've always loved it. The campy amsterdam background combined with her fashion-y awkwardness are in great contrast, and I can TOTES imagine this image being in Jane Magazine, if it hadn't gone bankrupt (R.I.P Jane! There went my dream job but for the grace of god).
18. Joanie, cycle 6
Obviously the theme of this shoot is strangely misogynistic (oh...so the girl is the dummy...operated by the man!!!...omg). However, Joanie really captured the dummy's stance and vacant look. This photo has a great level of theatricality.
17. Victoria, cycle 9
Cycle 9 was the pits. The girls in that cycle were absolutely horrendous, ending with the worst fart of a winner ever, Saleisha. The one thing I always loved about this cycle was the Ivy League Victoria, who liked to pick on Twiggy during panel. Oh, Victoria, Twiggy never "got" you, did she? Twiggy did say (and I agree with her) that there was a vulnerability to this photo that makes Victoria look like a brown-eyed deer, and that is why I was able to remember it even after Victoria got cut after three episodes. I wonder if she's like a brain surgeon now or some crazy shit.
16. Bre, cycle 5
I surprised myself with the inclusion of this photo because I barely remembered this photo shoot before I can began rifling through it. But Bre looks awesome here and all the rightward motion in this shot makes it really compelling.
15. CariDee, cycle 7
This shoot is when my love of Caridee was sealed. That elephant trunk looks so fucking hip its painful. It may be cliched, but circus-themed photo shoots are overdone for a reason. They always look FIERCE.
14. Elina, cycle 11
Including this particular photo actually makes me feel like I'm going to come across as a lesbian. This fact wouldn't bother me at all of course, but it does remind me of this one conversation I had with my brother when I was in middle school or early high school. I was downloading pretty photos of Nicole Kidman and Angelina Jolie onto the family computer because I loved them back then, and he remarked that a guy could never download photos of hot actors without his sexuality being seriously questioned. Now, I love appreciating beautiful women, but this remark always stuck with me. But Elina is gorgeous, and even though she had the personality of a wet noodle that turn into barbed wire on the way down your throat, she undeniably deserved the best photo win that she got the week of this photo shoot.
13. Lauren Brie, cycle 11
This photo, although not number 1, inspired me to make this list...I sought out all-antm.net because I saw this photo in passing online. I had forgotten how utterly amazing it was. I love that the focal point is off-center, yet Lauren looks so symmetrical. It is dynamite.
12. Erin, cycle 13
I had to come to terms with my hatred for Erin before putting this photo up, but this has got to be the only ANTM photo that truly proves Tyra's constant point that alien can be a good thing. She also looks like a contemporary take on a victorian portrait, like girl with a pearl earring. It's so fierce it hurts--god i love pretty things lookin' ugly. Also, why does Tyra never say fierce anymore?
11. Allison, cycle 12
I struggled with the idea of including anything from the dreaded cycle 12 (aka Cycle Tahlia) but this photo of Allison is just too much. Awwwww...fluffy little birdie! But...artsy!
10. Samantha, cycle 11
So cycle 11 is in a dead heat with cycle 7 for most represented cycle in this list...I'm not sure why. I will say that these two cycles both created a great desire for me to actually own photographs from ANTM--a very weird thought. That being said, this photo is so mod, and the splash in the foreground gives the picture very nice depth.
9. Laura, cycle 13
I love me some Laura like I love me some grits, and boy let me tell you: that is a lot. You will probably see her on future positive listicles. You should check out her blog if you want some warm fuzzies. The judge said she looked like a Renaissance woman in the picture. She looks so serene and so soft and so pink that she's like a high-quality marshmallow. Delicious.
8. Anya, cycle 10
They claimed this picture was an accident in judging (she's about to fall off the step), but it's still such a pretty moment it gets into the top ten through the sheer beauty of Anya alone.
7. Rae, cycle 13
Cycle 13 started off strong, and this photo is pretty much the reason why. The light is fantastic.
6. Eugena, cycle 7
Again, this was a photo I had forgotten about. It's compelling because it's so raw and Eugena is probably one of the more underrated ANTM girls. She was an absolute stunner, even if she was a little quiet, and the power of emotion behind this photo speaks to the fact that her exterior obviously concealed a great deal that she didn't allow to make its way onto national television. Suck it, Tyra! Even if she did make top 3!!
5. CariDee and Amanda, cycle 7
When my mom and I saw this photo on the TV we gasped. I'm not even sure what else there is to say about it--of course Amanda got kicked off in this episode, although for what I can't remember. I just love flowy shit and contrasting colors (see the next photo, obviously).
4. Yoanna and Shandi, cycle 2
This picture is amazing because of how sexually charged it is. I'll make no bones about it, it is some serious lesbian shit. The sensuous look on yoanna's face, the ecstasy of shandi's--they never let us see the full shot (maybe it was originally cropped like this) so we can all wonder....ooooh voyeurism.
3. Danielle, cycle 6
Danielle actually took this picture after a couple hours in the hospital after fainting during a challenge. She was barfing, dehydrated, and sick as a dog. And then she got on a top of an elephant and looked so serene and amazing, she made it to the top 3. I am impartial to this photo because of the elephant, of course, but this moment is so pure on both parts that I simply love it.
2. Brittany, cycle 8
My last two photos are violent and thematic because of Tyra's half-baked ideas about what it means to be in fashion (i.e. she blatantly rips off ideas from high-fashion as if that makes the show cutting edge in some way). There was recently a Jezebel post about death in fashion and whether it was appropriate (of course linking to this photo shoot, though not this particular picture). I was conflicted when I read about this--I honestly love seeing death used in fashion spreads, namely because I like to use them for my collages. Regardless, Brittany ended up getting cut because she threw a tantrum after missing the time cutoff for her go-sees, but not for this photo and not for this episode.
1. Michelle, cycle 7
The twins were honestly my favorite ANTM contestants of all time, and I still think they should have been the top 2 (sorry Caridee! Loved ya on Gossip Girl, girl!!!!). That being said, Michelle was clearly the more natural model of the two, even if she threw herself under the bus at the end to save her twin from elimination. She claimed she didn't even know if she wanted to model...and that she was a bisexual? Or maybe a lesbian? But definitely not straight. She was a total basketball dyke. It was awesome. But I digress. This shoot was based on stereotypes about models, and Michelle was supposed to represent bulimia. The action of this photo is really compelling and very gritty. It's haunting in a gruesome way. And that's why I think it was the best photo of all time.
Thoughts? Opinions? Would you like to contribute your own lists?
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Moving on and Moving out
Man, this week has been intense on the Moving on and Moving out front. I finally got a job (yay!) but the pay in peanuts and it's in retail--which means no thanksgiving. That's right. I have no time off for Thanksgiving except Thanksgiving day, so I'm not going home to NC. That news hit me harder than I thought it was going to, especially since I spent Halloween throwing up, so I guess it's just a no-holidays fall for me. I'm hoping that I'll get at least 3 days to go home for Christmas because if I don't, well, I might just have to quit. We'll see how it goes though.
I also have worked three temp jobs this week, which was cool and all, but man, commuting to downtown is a BITCH. I always hit rush hour and it's just like....I can feel everyone's collective stress building up in my spine. I love riding trains, and I love living in a city with a river, but damn, commuters! Everyone CALM DOWN. I hate finding that I'm practically running while I'm walking in order to keep pace with everyone, just because people aren't willing to have a moment of their precious time slowed down.
But I digress. I just wanted to check in today and link to this sculptor named Mari Kasurinen who makes My Little Pony sculptures. Apparently I'm just really into people who remake dolls and other toys...probably because I want those skills myself. These sculptures she makes are absolutely amazing, no question, and she sells that shit for 600 bucks a pop! Awesome!
I'm about to undertake a really big ANTM-related listicle for the blog, so be on the look out for that.
Love to all.
I also have worked three temp jobs this week, which was cool and all, but man, commuting to downtown is a BITCH. I always hit rush hour and it's just like....I can feel everyone's collective stress building up in my spine. I love riding trains, and I love living in a city with a river, but damn, commuters! Everyone CALM DOWN. I hate finding that I'm practically running while I'm walking in order to keep pace with everyone, just because people aren't willing to have a moment of their precious time slowed down.
But I digress. I just wanted to check in today and link to this sculptor named Mari Kasurinen who makes My Little Pony sculptures. Apparently I'm just really into people who remake dolls and other toys...probably because I want those skills myself. These sculptures she makes are absolutely amazing, no question, and she sells that shit for 600 bucks a pop! Awesome!
I'm about to undertake a really big ANTM-related listicle for the blog, so be on the look out for that.
Love to all.
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